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Abstract:
When is couples therapy ethical and safe when one person has used violence or abuse in the relationship? Couples therapy has been a hot political issue in the field of working with men’s use of violence in relationships. How can we avoid being driven by ideology, yet remain vigilant to issues of oppression and safety? How do we assess for violence and risk? How should you deal with a return to violence (i.e. a “relapse”) when you thought it was safe? What rituals or processes can be helpful in the healing process when one person has used violence or abuse? What kinds of screening questions or instruments can be used at intake? If a man has completed a group program does this mean anything? What are the indicators of health in a man who has used violence? What about “mutual violence” and “husband battering?” Can we separate truth, perception, and politics? If you are working with a gay or lesbian couple what changes and what doesn’t? This discussion will explore these questions and others in the spirit of e.e. cummings: “Always the beautiful answer that asks a more beautiful question.”
Author:
Dale Trimble has been working in Vancouver with men who have assaulted their partners since 1977, and has presented thought-provoking workshops at many of the B.C. Association of Counsellors of Abusive Men’s conferences over the years. He is a therapist in private practice.
The following guidelines are inspired by on an article by Michele Bograd & Fernando Mederos (1999). Their questions, some inspired by Alan Jenkins and my own, are interwoven in this article. Using Bograd’s & Mederos’s structure as a base I have added from my own experiences and practice in working with men’s violence since 1977. I welcome comments and feedback that can contribute to effective protocols for the application of couples therapy in relationships where one person has used abuse or violence to subjugate another.
These guidelines are developed in the context of the Violence Against Women in Relationships Intervention Programs for Men - Guiding Principles For Services In British Columbia (1999). It is highly recommended that the reader familiarize themselves with these principles that are available on the Internet at www.acam.bc.ca.
Safety is always the first concern. This means safety from physical harm, threats of harm and the use of psychological, economic, sexual and other forms of abuse that are used instrumentally by one person to dominate another.
These guidelines are developed in the context of the author’s experience of over 25 years in working with male perpetrators of violence and abuse toward their female partners. The other has also trained in a variety of treatment approaches to couples therapy. Most recently he has completed extensive training in Emotionally Focused Therapy with couples as developed by Les Greenburg and Sue Johnson. (See www.eft.ca for further information.)
The author acknowledges that violence and the use of power and control can be female to male. A future section of these guidelines will cover this issue and some of the unique dynamics related to this. Since the great majority of intimate partners who are killed or seriously injured or fear for their life and that of their children are female, this report will focus on men as perpetrators and women as victims.
In addition, when working with a distinct culture or ethnic group issues on relationship, equality and family integrity can be viewed differently. It is important that these views and values be taken into account when working with these groups. It is especially important that a dominant view or practice that may be seen as helpful with a white middle class Canadian woman not be assumed to be in the interests of all women. For these reasons a separate section to these guidelines that provides guidelines on respecting ethnic integrity and diversity will be added at a later date.
These guidelines are also developed in the context of heterosexual relationships. Many of the guidelines will apply to Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual and Trans-gendered persons. However, there are also unique issues pertaining to these groups. A separate section will be needed for the LGBT communities that can alert professionals to the particular forms that domination can take in these communities and the myths that can reduce the effectiveness of a professional.
Assumptions
Thirty percent of women currently or previously married have experienced at least one incident of physical or sexual violence at the hands of a marital partner. Women are almost 8 times more likely to be victimized by a spouse than are men (Stats Can, 1999). Due to this frequency of violence in intimate relationships, all couples that seek therapy together should be screened for violence and abuse.
It is not possible to do effective couples therapy when one person is afraid to discuss certain issues.
Couples therapy should never been conducted when it might increase risk to one party.
Reasons couples seek therapy
The relationship is in distress and each person is feeling the need for change. Violence and abuse is not and has not been an issue. The woman is hoping that if she agrees to couples therapy she can get her partner into therapy to look at and change his abusive behaviour. She is hoping to hand him off to a counsellor. The man has agreed to attend couples work and not individual or “anger management” therapy because “it takes two to tangle.” He has not taken responsibility for his behaviour and is seeking a therapist who will help his wife with “her problem.” The man has attended or is attending group and/or individual counselling for violence and abuse. He has taken responsibility for his behaviour, stopped violence and abuse and understood the impact on her and other family members. She feels safer and sees his changes. Each person is now choosing to enter couples therapy to resolve relationship issues. Some of these issues will pertain to the impact of the history of abuse and violence upon each person, the family and the relationship. He has attended a treatment program for this behaviour. However, not much has changed in terms of his attitudes toward her. His violence may or may not have stopped. Psychological abuse continues. He may be saying to her, “I did my part now you have to work on your issues.”
Dynamics to remember
Couples may feel less ashamed to come for marital therapy than “batterers groups” and “battered women’s support groups.”
A man may increase violence or control when emotions become strong as a result of couples therapy and the relationship becoming more out of his control.
Some say that couples work should never been used once violence is identified, regardless of the form, frequency, severity or power dynamics in the relationship. Women who feel coerced to accept the title “battered woman” or the statement “men never change and will get worse” may choose to never seek help again. In the long run this can increase risk to her and her children. Men who are given a choice to attend a “batterers group” or be implicitly labelled as resistant or in denial may be lost due to a lack of engagement by a helping person. Again, this can increase risk in the long run.
In some couples where the man is using violence and abusive behaviour the relationship may appear ordinary and the man affable and kind.
It is important to always screen for violence and control.
Therapists should assume that risk for violence is present in all couples until it is ruled out.
Process
An initial screening interview with the couple. Separate interviews with each partner.
This may result in
Referral to separate counselling for each person first. Couples counselling with an explicit contract around cessation of violence. Couples counselling with simultaneous referral of the perpetrator for help with violence. Couples counselling as usual since violence has been ruled out.
Definition
It is extremely important for you to be clear in your own mind what you define as violence, abuse and power and control. If you are not clear then your clients will be even more confused.
The central question is,
Has violence or psychological abuse occurred and does it constitute a relationship in which one person is exerting power and control over the other?
Physical violence does not equal a concern over power and control unless it,
Serves to enhance control of the other Leads the woman to modify her behaviour or daily life Includes psychological abuse Instills fear and intimidation (Bograd and Mederos, 2000).
Even moderate violence (pushing, shoving or a slap) should be considered power and control (P & C) if it happens in the context of psychological abuse or coercion.
A single act of violence without psychological abuse may not constitute P & C.
Severe violence within battering relationships can include
Repeated or frequent acts of moderate violence Frequent destruction of property Sexual coercion through threats of violence or rape Any act of violence that causes injury Frequent & severe psychological abuse (Bograd and Mederos, 1999).
Preconditions of assessment
Couples therapy should only be undertaken if the man is a voluntary participant or not court ordered, since the violence may be more severe and his motivation is questionable.
Furthermore it is the wrong message in terms of responsibility to require her participation for him to complete a court requirement.
Also men required to attend anger management under a child protection condition should be excluded from marital counselling until they have completed that counselling and been assessed as per the following guidelines.
Confidentiality
Keeping secrets in couples therapy is required in situations of violence for her safety.
Her secrecy is not pathology or dysfunction, but is essential to her self-protection.
In her individual assessment the therapist should say that material from the interview will be kept private until she feels she is ready to bring it up in a couples session. Even if she says she is OK with the information being used in therapy the therapist should be cautious about this disclosure. If the assessment determines that it is not a relationship of P & C then the therapist should encourage the client to share information and issues with the spouse in a couples session. The therapist can offer their support in doing this.
Therapist reactions
Women who have been assaulted by their partner often will not talk openly, may not feel safe discussing fear, and may downplay risk. A useful question may include,
“Has he told you what to say or not say to me?” or “Are you worried about what might be done if you let me know how bad it is?”
The woman’s fear or rage may be overwhelming or off-putting.
Even careful assessment may not reveal a power and control relationship or a risk for violence initially, causing a therapist to doubt perceptions or competency when it comes up later.
Therapists can experience extreme anger, disbelief, fear and betrayal. They may feel betrayed and tricked by a man they had begun to like or resentful toward a woman who they felt they had established a trusting working relationship with who then returns to a dangerous man.
These are normal and natural reactions that can be intensified by the therapist’s own history of victimization or use of power and control.
Some therapists’ fears are well founded and suggest accurate intuition. The root of the word intuition is “there,” which means to guard or protect.
It is wise to not be in the office alone with a couple or individual who you are in the assessment phase with, park in well lighted areas, walk to your car with colleagues, and alert others of your travel plans, ETA, etc.
As a therapist you need to be clear about responsibility and problems with violence regardless of the reason. You can present suggestions.
“If you hurt someone, you drive them away and risk destroying the relationship.”
“You may feel justified every time you (insert aggressive or controlling behaviour). That’s not uncommon. But will focusing on what she should have done differently help you to prepare to be the kind of partner you would like to be?”
“Should it be her job to be careful what to say or do so you won’t respond in a way that frightens her or should it be your job?”
“Have you been successful in convincing her to talk or behave differently?”
“What impact is your attempt to make it her job to handle your feelings having on the kind of marriage you want to have?”
Limits must be caringly but directly presented to the man. An attitude of friendly and supportive skepticism is helpful.
“Are you sure you’re prepared to practise this safety plan? It won’t be easy?”
“What if she puts you down or calls you names if you attempt it?”
Sequence of the assessment
Research says that the majority of couples who experience violence do not disclose the man’s abuse in early sessions with a therapist. 2/3 of couples presenting do not report violence until direct questions are asked, due to embarrassment, fear, shame, minimization , or his demand that she not talk about it.
Hold one couples meeting first. Avoid direct questions about violence in this session. Hold individual meetings after. My preference is to see her first if I suspect violence at all. Explain that individual meetings are standard and it allows each person to tell his or her story without interruption.
First couples session questions that can be useful in assessing for power and control include some of the following: How is affection expressed in their relationship or is it? Do they have sex? Who initiates? How are decisions made; i.e. where to live, vacations, purchases, etc. Who controls the money? How are decisions made in regard to raising children? When they feel close what’s happening? What does each see as the issue? If the counselling is successful what will be happening?
Individual meetings
I prefer to meet with her first if I suspect the presence of abuse and violence in their relationship.
Interview with woman
“What were your thoughts and feelings about our first couple’s session?” This can uncover statements like, “We didn’t really talk about the problem,” or “He was mad when we got home because of some of what I told you.”
These responses provide a chance to probe for details: “What do you want from coming in for counselling?”
Standard questions that introduce aggression in a non-threatening manner
“In every family people get angry. What do you do when angry?”
Remember that women who have been assaulted by their partner often will not talk openly, may not feel safe discussing fear, and may downplay risk. A useful question may include, “Has he told you what to say or not say to me?” “Are you worried about what might be done if you let me know how bad it is?” It may take some time to develop rapport and an alliance before she can trust you with her fears.
“Have either of you ever thrown something, slammed a door, or broken something in anger?” Probe for details, what was happening, what did you do then, how did she respond, etc. “Has he ever grabbed, shaken, pushed or slapped you?” “Have you used aggression toward him? What was the context? What was your intent at the time? How did he respond?”
“Have you ever called the police? How did they respond? Would you call again?: “Has he ever been charged or does he have a criminal record?” “Are you aware of any of his past relationships and whether he was violent in them?”
“Did he pressure you to come in for couples therapy?”
“Has he ever threatened you in any way? Are you afraid of him?”
Warn first and again about your duty to report before pursing these questions. “How is he with the children? Has he ever been abusive in any way toward any of the children? Have they seen or heard the fights or arguments? How have they responded?” “Does he respect you sexually? Ever abuse you in any way? Not take no for an answer?” “If he’s abusive or violent is he the same if others are present?”
If some abuse, violence or fear has been identified use the Strauss Conflict Tactics Scale, Six Kinds of Abuse (Trimble), Marshall, Tolman or Campbell’s Danger Assessment. Use these same instruments with the man also.
If you don’t use any inventory or instrument for measuring violence then use questions of
First, Worst, Typical, Last
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Also explain the different forms of abuse and violence and ask her what she has experienced and done in each category. Distinguish between violence that is used in self-defense and violence that is used instrumentally to control the other.
Forms of Abuse
to explore if no standard inventory is used include:
Let her know that no therapy can guarantee her safety and protection and that of her children.
Use “response-based questions” and avoid “effects-based questions.” Ask questions about her responses to his violence and abuse as opposed to questions about how his behaviour has made her feel or how it has affected her. This approach can aid tremendously in her ability to see herself as a person who responds rather than a passive victim who is weak. See “Coming to Terms with Violence and Resistance: From a Language of Effects to a Language or Responses” by Nick Todd, & Allan Wade (date and source unavailable at present).
There is a need to assess whether the woman can choose couples work freely and safely. Assess her depression, suicide, and any “post-traumatic” responses. Does she use or abuse alcohol or drugs? How does this influence risk? Does he pressure her to use?
Does she have a safety plan? “What have you tried to keep yourself safe? What has worked?” “Can you use your plan if you need it?” Provide numbers for women’s shelters and/or support services. Always ask if she is willing to call these places. They are not a resource if she is reluctant or unwilling to use them.
“Who knows about the violence/abuse? How have they responded? Who are your supports? Are you aware of your legal rights?”
Always include in your interview with her questions about the good in him or the relationship. “What are his most positive qualities? What did you fall in love with? Are you still in love?” If you don’t make room for her to share the positive you increase the risk that you will lose her as a client if she doesn’t leave or returns to him. This also helps her to feel that you accept her as a whole person who has conflicting feelings and needs.
Lethality Assessment
One of the best indicators of high lethality is her sense of danger and risk. But highly traumatized women may minimize the risk.
Seven High Risk Factors (Bograd & Mederos, 2000)
Substance abuse History of violence History of violent crimes and previous violations of restraining orders Use of weapons Threats Obsession with partner – includes extreme jealousy, cannot accept her independence, uses surveillance, frequent phone calls, fascination or obsession with past boyfriends, isolation from friends, family or services, demands to keep her cell on at all times Bizarre forms of violence – sleep deprivation, abuse of animals, locking in room, aggression during sex or demand to have sex in painful or humiliating ways, etc.
Restraining orders and their problems
Professionals, lay counsellors and the criminal justice system often strongly encourage a woman to obtain a restraining order to protect her and her children from a violent partner. After interviewing a woman as part of this assessment process you may be tempted to strongly recommend that she seek a restraining order. This may or may not be a safe response. Gavin De Becker (1997) critiques the knee-jerk application of restraining orders to all cases of violence in relationship. He says, “Restraining orders are most effective on the reasonable person who has a limited emotional investment. They work on the person least likely to be violent anyway.”(p. 188). He suggests that there is only one good reason to get a restraining order and that is that the woman believes that her partner will respect it and leave her alone. De Becker goes on to quote a San Diego study in which about half of 170 stalking cases where the woman had obtained a restraining order the women felt that the order made things worse.
A single risk factor from the above rules out couples work, even when previous physical abuse is absent or minimal.
There is, of course, a duty to warn potential victims and police if you have reason to believe a person will commit an act of violence.
Tell the woman of your perception of risk if he appears extremely dangerous. It may not be new to her but it can be very helpful to have her view confirmed by an “expert.”
You can ask, “Have you ever thought of taking justice into your own hands? Do you have any plans to do this? Are you concerned you might act on them?”
Interview with man
“What were your thoughts and feelings about our first couples session?” This can uncover statements like, “She’s always blaming me. I get so fed up with it,” or “I’m hoping she’ll attend long enough to get the help she needs. I guess you can see what I’m dealing with.” These responses provide a chance to probe for details. “What do you want from coming in for counselling?” Look for a focus on “her need to change”or “get her some help.” These can suggest a lack of responsibility on his part and a need to focus on her behaviour so as to keep the focus away from his behaviour. At the same time it is important to not discount his view of her problems, but use it as an opportunity to explore his responses to her.
Standard questions that introduce aggression in a non-threatening manner “In every family people get angry. What do you do when angry?” “Have you ever thrown something, slammed a door, or broken something in anger?” Probe for details, what was happening, what did you do then, how did she respond, etc. “Have you ever grabbed, shaken, pushed or slapped your partner? How did she respond?”
If he argues that she is the violent one and not he, ask him who is most afraid and who has done or could do the most damage. Don’t minimize the emotional pain he may have felt as a result of her aggression. Explore this pain and ask if he is making the choices he is proud of in response to her. What is his intent in the way he responds? It is important to put a priority on safety and his responsibility while also working to keep your alliance with him intact.
The relationship may be one where she verbally attacks and eventually physically assaults him. Then he uses his strength and power to stop the fight and possibly exact revenge. Make room to talk about what it feels like when she hurts him, how it gets to him emotionally and how he may become afraid of a fit getting out of control so he exerts his power then, but in a way that may demean and frighten her.
If some abuse, violence or fear has been identified, use the Strauss Conflict Tactics Scale, Six Kinds of Abuse (Trimble), Marshall Tolman or Campbell’s Danger Assessment etc. Use the same instruments that you use with her with the man also.
If you don’t use any inventory or instrument for measuring violence then use questions of
First, Worst, Typical, Last
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Also explain the different forms of abuse and violence and ask him what he has experienced and done in each category. Distinguish between violence that is used in self-defense and violence that is used instrumentally to control the other.
Forms of Abuse
to explore if no standard inventory is used include:
With the man assess motivation if abuse and violence has been disclosed. “How important is it to stop being violent with your partner?” Ask about his exposure to violence and his use of violence in the past in this and other relationships. Ask about his health, depression, suicide assessment, head trauma, sexual abuse, and who was there for him as a child? “Who held you if you were hurt, scared or lonely?”
Does he have good friends? Do they know about his abuse/violence? Who does? How have they responded? “Do you have anyone you can call in the middle of the night if you are in crisis?”
Ask if he has had previous psychiatric or psychological contact? Was it helpful? Also ask about medications being taken, drug and alcohol use, weapons owned, training in their use, time in the military, etc.
Have the police ever been called? Does he have any criminal record? Does he think violence is justified? What attempts has he made to change? If he continues to use violence how will it affect his relationship? How hard is it to talk about this? How much courage does it take to face these issues? These questions are based on the ideas presented by Alan Jenkins in his seminal book, Invitations to Responsibility, Dulwich Centre, 1990.
Assessing for feasibility of couples work
Don’t be bullied into taking a couple you feel should not be worked with as a couple. Tell her if you think it is too dangerous.
Criteria for starting couples work
(Bograd & Mederos, 1999)
Both engage in it freely. It can be considered if his violence is limited to a few minor incidents; i.e. slaps, shoves, grabbing or restraining without bruising or injury. Man’s use of psychological abuse is infrequent and mild, does not create a climate of constant anger or intimidation, and is neither terrifying nor debilitating to the woman. Therefore, this excludes cases of mild to moderate violence but with severe psychological abuse. No risk factors for lethality are present and the woman is not fearful of retaliation. The man admits and takes responsibility for his abusive behavior. Couples work should not be started if the man expresses no remorse, denies his actions, only blames the woman, and has little commitment to change himself. The man must demonstrate an ongoing commitment to manage his behaviour without blaming or using violence or control tactics . If he does not it suggests that he doesn’t get what it has been like for her and doesn’t understand responsibility.
My additional criteria
The woman has an established support system of friends, family or professionals. She has a safety plan that is practical and immediately accessible. Her plan includes financial freedom.
Parameters
Use an explicit contract with the perpetrator with limits on abuse or aggression and consequences if that is broken; i.e. a return to individual therapy for each. Set goals of ending his abuse in all forms and helping her in recovery from this.
Research shows that written non-violence contracts can make a difference.
Couples work should not proceed if it is not possible for the couple to have a relatively controlled conversation and either person’s responses cannot be tempered by the counsellor’s response.
Violence disclosed before a couples meeting
Since usually the woman calls to set up an appointment it is possible to ask about abuse at that time. If some violence is present and/or fear it is best to interview her alone first and then him. If there is moderate and infrequent violence, with no fear or risk, then do one cautious session first with the couple.
Disclosure of violence in a session
If it is not severe and there is no concern about serious injury you can proceed to talk about establishing safety. Make agreements for him to take time-outs and for her to accept them.
Can he agree it’s his job not to be abusive? Can he agree to time-outs? Will she support this practice? You may uncover a history of him going out to drink, use, have affairs, threaten suicide, etc. If the answer to both is negative this is a good reason not to do couples work. You can then proceed to individual sessions, saying it is common practice to understand how to be most helpful.
If there is a disclosure that is severe and a concern about escalation and safety the man may be caught off guard and feel betrayed. There is a need to assess right away whether it is safe to continue with the two together.
“Is this the first time the two of you have discussed this with another person? Did you agree to talk about it beforehand?”
If there seems to be danger for her it may be helpful to ask questions like, “What’s going to happen when you leave this room?” “What needs to be done to keep things safe?” It is best not to ask the woman to disclose the details of her safety plan in a session. Also it is not wise to ask him to leave or even wait in a different room. Some men may not be able to tolerate this as it heightens their fears of loss and lack of control. He may leave the building and go to apprehend the children, use self-harm or secure a weapon.
Focus on ways of keeping them both safe, “This is a tough time. In a week how would you like to look back and see yourself handling this? What will you need to do in the next few hours and couple of days that might help create the kind of relationship you want with her?” “Do you think it is her job to behave in ways so you don’t hurt or frighten her or is it your job?” “What kinds of values are most important for you to live by in relating to your wife?”
If he has made the disclosure or he agrees with and/or expands upon his wife’s disclosure this is a great opportunity. Highlight any evidence of responsibility (Jenkins, 1990). “Many men would blame or attack their wife for saying this in front of me today. How have you been able to listen to or acknowledge this? How tough has this been? Have you been tempted to be defensive? How have you resisted this? Why is staying non-defensive important?”
“If you continue doing these kinds of things how will it affect you and her?” “I’m worried about what you just told me. If you hurt her you may destroy this relationship and end up being charged. Have you thought of this?” “Are there times she has said or done these things that you have not responded with (insert acknowledged abuse/violence)? How have you managed to do that?” “Have you been successful at convincing her that it is her fault or her job to be different so you won’t use violence or abuse?”
“Do you want to give her that much control over how you behave?” (in response to him saying, “If she would only not do this then I wouldn’t respond like that”). Indicate that couples work is not appropriate until he does his own counselling focused on changing these behaviours, and meanwhile she can see someone for herself. “I’m concerned that couples counselling could make things worse at this time.” “Jim, you need to realize that when you behave like this you drive people away. It creates fear, and it’s hard to be close to, trust or love someone that you are afraid of. Using force or threats in families isn’t justified no matter how unfair it feels to be in your shoes. No one deserves to be hit and no one should have to earn the right to be free of fear.”
If the man cannot respond to these invitations it is important to state the risks. “I am concerned about what will happen. Have you thought that you might really hurt her or kill her? What will your life be like if you do something this terrible? I’m worried about you and your partner.” There may be a risk of being empathic to her in his presence. He can perceive that as you taking her side against him.
Conflicting reports of violence in individual meetings
She may disclose a dangerous level of violence and ask that it be confidential, while he denies violence in your interview with him. Even if she says it is OK to share the information with him this should be taken under advisement. Doe she have the ability to assess her risk?
So you need to decline couples work but are prevented from disclosing why. Always ask if he is pressuring her to do couples therapy and demanding that she not disclose his behaviour in any way.
The man may refuse to come to therapy except with his partner. You can refuse to see them as a couple. But if they refuse individual counselling he may demand that she not see an individual therapist while also refusing to go to any counselling on his own. It might be necessary to see them a few times in hopes of developing enough of an alliance that you can shift them to individual work.
Cautions
It is easy to have a false sense of security. Even when you screen for violence as described here minimization, distrust of professionals or fear of what may be done with the information may cause you to believe the risk is very low or non-existent when it is high or dormant. Risk assessment is always an educated guess and never certain.
Violence must be assessed dynamically by understanding the experience of the woman and not statically through scales alone. Jacqueline Campbell says that the woman’s fear is one of the best predictors of risk. A minor event many years ago may have shifted the balance of power; for example, the wife who said at the beginning of their relationship that she could never say no to sex, so she never did. So your screening may not have found it, but do you find that one person always answers questions for the other?
Many women are helped most by making a connection with a support network, a lawyer to know their rights, disclosing to a few friends or family, and developing a safety plan.
Some additional suggestions
You may find that this has been a relationship of power and control, but it is not at this time. The criteria above for doing couples therapy have been met. What should you do as you start couples therapy? What is different about working with a couple when power and control has been an issue compared to couples where it never has been?
Make a written contract with the man to agree to non-violence. Complete this in a couples session. Include as part of the agreement that if he breaks it he will contact you to report his aggression. The plan can include an agreement to take time-outs to avoid abusive behaviour. The plan can be stated in the positive; for example, “To enhance trust, respect and safety in my relationship I commit to ending violent and abusive behaviours. If I go against this agreement I will support my partner’s actions to feel safe and will contact my therapist to report this. I understand that I will need to return to counselling focused on ending my use of violence and abuse.”
One woman came up with the idea of her partner posting a security, with the agreement that if he were violent or abusive again he would lose to her what he put up as security. This was something of value that he chose and that had emotional/sentimental meaning for him. She reported that this had been helpful. He seemed pleased to make this commitment.
Prepare the man to deal with the fear, loss of trust, and emotional injury he has caused through his use of violence by using the Responsibility Letter (Trimble) with the Six Kinds Of Violence And Abuse or another inventory. Make sure he is detailed in his descriptions. Ask if he is prepared to hear her feelings. Remember that he may be expecting compassion and forgiveness, but may instead get anger and even coldness. Explain to him how her distance, anger or coldness is an important step for her and is positive. All of this can be done in an individual session with him that prepares him to present his Letter of Responsibility to her.
Use a timeline with him to help process what she has experienced in the history of the relationship. By mapping the times of his use of violence or power and control, as well as his apologies and promises to “never do it again,” he can see that her lack of trust and coldness make sense and are based on his failure to practise safety and respect, rather than something wrong with her. Process this in session with her.
Questions that can help with him
“How should she make sense of your apologies in the past when you haven’t been able to stay with non-violence and respect?” “How have you been able to tolerate her anger and coldness without resorting to pleading or demanding that she do her part by forgiving you?” “What does that tell you about your changes?” “What will you need to do to sustain the ability to hear her pain and tolerate her distance, even when you so desperately want her to be close?” “How have you been able to resist turning this pain into criticism or putdown of her?” “Even though you are trying so hard to be different in hopes that she will see you’ve really changed for good; she may still choose to leave. How would you like to look back on the way you’ve handled this?” “Imagine it’s 6 months or a year from now. How will you handle this distance in such a way that you can feel proud of yourself as a man?”
Remember, these guidelines do not guarantee a safe intervention, but a safer intervention.
Work hard to maintain an alliance with each person regardless of what they have done or had done to them. Your ability to keep asking kind and respectful questions can make a big difference in keeping the person engaged in the process of change.
Dale Trimble welcomes comments and feedback on this material and answers mail at
daletrimble@telus.net
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